I'm Going To Win The Lotto Then Get Stabbed To Death

#justsaying.

With this week’s Mega Million Lottery fever, and today’s $500 million drawing, it occurred to me that if and when there’s a winner that lucky bastardo still has to claim it. And for arguments sake let’s just say that person is me - because I am so going to win this motherfucker. Now, I won’t be stupid enough to walk into the local 7-Eleven asking to double-check or even for the prize, but I’m sure some schmuck has done that. But wait… I can also throw caution to the wind and rely on those wonderful people at the post office by mailing my ticket with the address clearly marked for all to see:

California Lottery 


730 North 10th Street 


Sacramento, CA 95811


Attn: Prize Payments

Yeah no. I’ll take my chances on the road, thank you very much. What concerns me more here are these so-called “California Lottery District Offices”, where I can take my winning ticket to and claim my glorious prize. Fair enough. Except that I noticed these offices are located in not so great areas. In fact, I’ll be so bold and call them shady (shitty). For example, the nearest lottery office to most Angelinos would be in fucking Van Nuys. Seriously? It’s strategically placed by a strip mall with a Food4Less and Denny’s in case I wanted to endure my last taste of poverty with a Grand Slam Special.

Let’s also consider the criminal element of not only Van Nuys, but of the entire city staking out these locations. It would be suicide to even walk up to this office after the drawing. They do announce that there is a winner. Nobody has a clue as to who, but you know damn sure I’m going to claim it within 180 days. How sketch would this be for me? Things going through my head would be: Where do I park? Van Nuys? Do I hire security? Police? Can I even trust them? Van Nuys? Should I dress in disguise? Delivery man perhaps? Van Nuys?

Well say I decide that The Valley isn’t where I’d like to end my life. Here are the other safe and secure Southern California Lottery District Offices where I can also surely be absconded of my wildest dreams by armed thugs:

Inland Empire: Yeah, the 909. Also, the foreclosure capital of the world. But hey, no one really needs the money out there.

Santa Fe Springs: Known for it’s industrial factories and piss-poor air quality. In fact, the office is located in between truck yards and railways. Woot-woot.

Santa Ana: Ungodly hot area where today’s news headline reads, “Ax Handle Beating Death Case”. Pass.

Regardless of the risks I’m winning the lotto tonight then rolling the dice at one of these murderous locations soon after. 

Huzzah.

-Dre